6 mistakes parents make when kids want to quit a sport
RACHEL DOHERTY
Social worker, teacher and the founder of Tweens2teen
Children and teenagers who play a sport will at some point decide to quit. Parents can avoid these common mistakes to make it a positive experience, not painful.
If you have a child who’s good at sport, there will come a time where they decide to end it. But what if you think that time is too early?
Alex is a promising swimmer, but training six days a week has caught up with him. Now that he’s 16, he wants to be able to go out with his friends on the weekend, or try another sport. He’s also thinking he’d like to do better at school and less time in the pool could help with that.
His swimming results haven’t been too good in the last six months, but everyone knows he’s capable. His coach keeps pushing him to work harder, and his parents are still talking about the Olympics. But the fire’s gone out for Alex. He’s over it.
“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.”
JAMES JOYCE
There are lots of parents who have a child like Alex. A promising athlete who wants to quit. Read on to learn about the six mistake to avoid when your child is making their way out of a sport they once loved.
Stop seeing sport as an investment
When kids show sporting promise, it can cost a lot to keep them in it. There’s coaches fees, equipment, uniforms, travel, medical bills and a whole lot more. Most sporting parents spend thousands of dollars each year on supporting their child’s talent and dreams.
And that’s what it starts to feel like. An investment.
Once you stop seeing that money as a gift, you’re in danger of having more tied up in your child’s sport than a desire for them to have fun. And that’s where it can be a problem if they decide to quit.
The common mistakes parents make when kids want to quit
Most children take a while to make the decision to walk away from their sport. They’ve been losing interest over time, or developing a new passion on the side. They also tend to show signs of quitting long before they speak about it. Read my article on the signs a child wants to quit if you’re not sure what to look for.
But if you know your child wants to quit, there are six mistakes to avoid so your child can exit without the baggage of letting you down.
Mistake 1: Feeling you haven’t capitalised on your investment yet
You’ve spent all that money and the prize of a better representative team, a college scholarship or selection to an elite academy could be their within grasp. It’s hard not to feel like they’re throwing all that hard earned-cash away!
If you’re feeling like that, you’re definitely thinking about the money more than your child.
As parents, we choose to spend money on our kids activities. Nobody forces you to enrol your child in that basketball program or sign up for football. Sure, your kids might have been keen when they were young to join their friend’s on a team. But it was still your choice as the adult.
The biggest mistake parents make with kids’ sport if forgetting that it’s about the children. It’s about kids learning to get along with others, mastering their body and figuring out life as well. As the years pass that might have changed into some bigger goals and dreams, but it’s still about the kids.
Imagine if you bought an investment house that looked great on the outside and in the early days was earning you a decent rent. A few years in you find that the house is full of termites and needs major repairs. You start ploughing the cash in, but the problems just keep cropping up.
At some point, most investors would decide to call it a day and offload the house. They’d stop spending money on it. They have to be content to walk away with some lessons learned, rather than the capital gain they were hoping for.
If your child reaches a point in their sporting career, where it’s no longer fun and they’ve lost interest in their goals, you need to help them walk away too. To focus on what they’re taking with them and not loading them down with guilt.
“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill
Mistake 2: Owning the decision more than your child does
Once children reach the teenage years, they should make more decisions about what they like and do.
Plenty of kids might be good at something but not actually enjoy it. Or they might like doing it, but not in a formal or intensive way.
If a young person has lost the desire to chase after a dream, you can’t take it over for them. There will be too many hurdles to get over for them to reach any success. We need to remember that this is their life, their talent and their time. Not ours. We might like watching them, and feel proud to be their parent, but it’s all theirs.
Give them space to make their own decisions and keep telling them that you know they’re capable of doing that. Help them to know that you’ve got their back.
Mistake 3: Seeing your child as a quitter
Success in sport takes a lot of commitment and hard work. These kids know what it means to sacrifice and have drive. The decision to walk away from a sport they’ve spent years working in doesn’t mean they’re a quitter. Those qualities are going to go with them in life.
In the world of gymnastics, when the girls decide to finish up, they call it retirement. All the parents at our club joke about wishing we could retire at 15 or 17.
Retiring is so much more positive than quitting. It talks of the promise of a new season, where all those old skills find use in a new endeavour.
If you’re child is thinking about leaving their sport, start talking up all the great memories, the skills and the attitude that they’re taking with them. Not to mention the friendships. Those things are worth so much more than what they might achieve in the sport if they stay.
Mistake 4: Thinking you know what they’re going through better than they do
If you watch your kids do their sport you can often fool yourself into thinking that what they do is simple. In gymnastics, my daughter makes some of the things she does look easy. But all those twisty, flippy things aren’t as simple as they seem.
Every now and then a fear will creep up and one of the gymnasts will have trouble doing a skill. I’ve heard a few parents on the sideline ask why she’s having trouble, and it almost takes my breath away.
Honestly, would you not have an issue with doing backflips on a plank of wood three inches wide? Do you think there’s not some logic in having a second thought about running at speed towards a stationary object and then doing a cartwheel onto it?
Only our kids really know what it’s like to do what they do. And to do it in their body. Even if you did the sport as a kid, you’re not them. You don’t live their life right now or have the thoughts and feelings they have.
We need to let our young athletes be the experts of their own lives and respect their authority on that topic.
Mistake 5: Worrying about what other parents will think
There’s a certain amount of peer pressure in sporting circles, among the parents as well as the kids. This might come back to the investment thing, where parents are wanting to feel that what they’re spending is worthwhile.
It doesn’t matter what other parents think, does it? This is about your child and what they choose to do.
And that’s where parents need to make sure they advocate for their son or daughter. The decision to quit will face a lot of pressure, particularly if they still show promise. Their coach will want them to continue. The team might feel like your child is letting them down. Officials may want them to stay on because of their potential.
This is the time to be that mama or papa bear and stand up for your child.
Mistake 6: Looking too far ahead
When a child says they want to quit a sport, many parents will let their thoughts run forward and see them sitting on the couch, eating chips.
Most kids who leave one sport will still be active. They might even move into a new sport and be more successful. Or they might go back to their old sport as a coach or referee.
In our gymnastics club, most of the girls who retire stay involved in this way. It’s lovely to see them working with the younger girls, taking their hard earned knowledge and passing it on. Others go on to other sports or enjoy playing sport socially.
We can’t know what our kids will choose to do in a few months or a few years. But looking too far ahead will stop them thinking of the possibilities right before them. Sport is a great activity for kids to learn about themselves, keep fit and develop some great life skills. But we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that it’s always their thing, not ours.
Letting kids choose to quit isn’t a sign that you’re a bad parent or your child has failed. It’s just that they’re ready for something new.
If you’re still not sure if your child is wanting to quit, read my article on the 10 signs to look for.
What do you think? Is there another mistake that parents make when it’s time to walk away? Perhaps you’re struggling with your child’s choices right now. I’d love you to share your thoughts below.
Great article with good points to consider. All athletes hit this point at one time or another and some do quit. We told our son that it was always his choice but he had to think it through for a period of time (we usually said 2-4 weeks) – it could not be an impulse decision based on a hard practice or a bad swim meet. Also, he had to tell us how he planned to fill his time as playing video games or hanging out at the local shopping center were not acceptable replacement activities! A job, playing an instrument, trying another sport, or more time studying would all have been fine. He decided to continue and is now a freshman swimming in college.
Yes, I agree that it needs to be a decision they think through for a while, because for most kids it isn’t one they can undo. Thanks for stopping by Michelle!
My daughter was a figure skater at at the age of 15 struggled with her body changes and weight
I encouraged her to play an instrument early on she used this as a calming secret weapon during her comics and difficult times
She has since retired and skated once a week her ambition to be in an Symphony orchestra
She is studying on a music scholarship plays four instruments and has a job
She hopes to teach skating but still feels raw
It was a difficult time and affected our relationship as she became very defensive and I seek interventions and therapy she is slowly learning to take a different path but it has not been an easy task
Sport can be good and give them a sense of direction but it can make the perfectionists not wanting to fail
Very true Tracie. Sport gives our kids some great gifts, but often at a price others wouldn’t be willing to pay. Keep working on that relationship. Be a good listener and encourage her to chase her own dreams. The more we let them live their own lives, the more they’ll want us to be part of them.
Great post. You have to trust your kids. Even if they are talented and still could make it, if the fire’s gone out, they won’t be motivated. They may even come to resent the sport, whereas if they leave they could decide they miss it and return.
Absolutely Em. Or move on to another sport, or decide to coach or referee. As long as they understand the full consequences of their decision, there’s no harm in walking away.
My son is 10 and played football for the same team for 3 years. He wants to quit but i think he should stay as he’s a great player. But he’s fallen out of love with it. What should i do?
Diane, I don’t think kids should keep doing a sport because they’re good at it, if they don’t love it anymore. My kids have had a few things they’re good at that they don’t love anymore, and at some point they have to come to terms with who they are. We just need to focus on the essentials – exercise is good for our bodies and minds, sport encourages us to be social. There are lots of different ways they can do this that might make them happier and they might prove to be even more talented at…
I’m with you on this. My son is 3-year old only, so he’s not doing any “serious” sport yet but I can say, from my own experience as a high school teacher, there is no point making children do something they don’t like. Eventually they will find something better, more suitable for them and it doesn’t need to be sport.
Thanks Jack. It’s so easy for us to value sport over other interests, but we have to remember that music, the arts, public speaking… Lots of different past-times are just as good for kids as sport.
I still feel as parents, it’s our job to guide our kids in making good decisions. Sometimes at 16 years old they don’t understand the value and importance of what being apart of a program during high school and how rewarding it can be with building character, teaching them all the valued life lessons that they may not get otherwise. So I feel sometimes it is ok to insist they continue playing, especially if the reasons for quitting are just to have more time for girlfriends and or video games.
True Jeff. I think we just need to be thinking about our motives and theirs. That’s the tough part of being a parent though, isn’t it!
I am currently in this situation. My 15yr old daughter is a promising pitcher who is already on the radar of some colleges. We had a very hectic travelball summer and she asked for a break (she took it from August until September 30th – she returns on October 1st). Last night she was very emotional and in the end, said she no longer wants to play travel. She wants to continue high school ball, but not travel. I am guilty of thinking about all the money I have invested, worrying she will want to just hang out with friends all the time, etc. I am at a loss at what to do.
I think we all have those thoughts Christine! I just have to keep reminding myself that the money I’ve spent is a gift of my love, not a bill for my expecations, but it isn’t easy.
I’m emotional at the moment. My daughter also a promising national gymnast has decided to walk away from it. She’s only 12 but has been doing this since she was 4.
I’m gutted that she’s making the wrong decision and will live to regret it. I’m having a tough time accepting it. I know it’s my problem not hers but I’m having a really tough time.
Yes it’s hard for us to watch them let up something that they’re good at, isn’t it Felicia. I regret not supporting one of my kids to walk away from something they wanted to quit, even though it has been advantageous for them. I think to some extent, we have to let them own that choice and any regrets that come with it. But I’m not saying it’s easy!
I am feeling exactly this…my son is 12yrs and has been a state champ wrestler since he was 5yrs old. His fire is burning low and I feel devastated. I don’t know what to do and all this advice is very helpful and comforting, but the truth is…if he quits, I will be sick about it for quite some time.
It’s sometimes hard to sort out our own feelings and hopes from theirs, isn’t it… I just focus on my relationship with them. At some point in the future, sport will not be the number 1 thing in their life, but you’d like to think your relationship is still solid. It’s helpful to think about your child being someone who does wrestling, rather than being a wrestler who is your child. I have to remind myself of that difference all the time!
Same here…my son has wrestled for years. This is is Sophomore year in HS, with coaches and teammates expecting for him to qualify for States….he walks into practice a week and half ago and QUITS. Said he wasn’t having fun any longer and even though he was good at the sport…he did it to have fun.
Ahh… I can feel your disappointment. But at the end of the day, this decision won’t define him. So don’t let it define his sophomore year either. Just keep encouraging him to find the thing that does make him feel excited.
Hi, I am in a situation that I don’t know how to handle. Okay, so last football season I ran into a multitude of mental problems. Things such as depression, anxiety and self loathing. These problems weren’t anything new for me; so when my first varsity season rolled around I was all excited because I thought that the problems would go away, but they didn’t, they got worse. My teammates were and are extremely negative people who think of no one but themselves and my coaches because they were degrading and rude, I even had one coach say that I was weak and pathetic.
In that same season, I also had doubts about playing. The team that I resented, my life which seemed to be looking like a hurricane had hit it, and the fact that i simply had lost the love of the sport were why i had those doubts. So for a 3 game streak I took a break, which was surprisingly suggested by my head coach. He said that I needed a break, to step back and look at everything. I did that and more and when I had stepped forward again, i felt better, but not how I had expected. I thought that I was just weak minded and that’s why I wanted to quit. I tried over and over to tell myself you’re not weak, but to no avail. My parents during all of this supported and loved me the entire time. Having said that, they still played a role that I didnt like.
My mom and dad had taught me to never quit and to persevere. That’s what any good parent should teach their child. So last season I tried so hard to please them and to make them happy, but I put their happiness before mine. This really was a mistake. I continued to play that season because I thought and knew that it’s what my parents wanted, not what I wanted. I just wanted to make my mama smile, I hated to make her sad. She absolutely loves watching me play as does my father, but I was making myself miserable in the process.
After the season had ended, something amazing happened to me. I had gone to the doctors and been diagnosed with pretty gnarly ADHD. Not the super hyper kind, but the sluggish, procrastinator kind. This was amazing because it was through the help of my doctor that I finally came down to the source of why I was so scrambled and anxious. He prescribed my medicine and ever since than I’ve been doing great in a sport in which I FRICKING love which is shot put and discus. Shot and disc have been a big part of my life and I’m starting to love it with a burning passion, a passion that has simply gone from football.
So here’s my problem. My parents want me to play football again my senior year because it’ll be my last year and they want me to redeem myself to myself and everyone else. This is not what I want to do though, i want to do shot and disc as much as possible. I love the sport and everything about it very deeply. I just don’t think they understand it. I want to make them happy by doing what they want to see me do, but I want to do what I’ve fallen in love with. WHAT DO I DO!?!?!?!
Hi Connor, I’m so sorry I haven’t replied to your message earlier. My mum passed away and I’ve been taking a break from my website.
Having said that, what an amazing young man you are! I’m so glad you’ve found something that you love doing and do well at. That’s a real blessing as you get older. It sounds like your Mum and Dad love you very much, and that you love them just as much. I think you need to help them make the switch from being your cheer squad at the football, to watching you at athletics. Find ways to tell them how doing shot put and discuss makes you feel. Ask them to support you in this for one year and see what you can do with it. At the end of the day, family is all about relationships, so just keep talking to your parents and helping them to see that their little boy is growing up and making good decisions of his own.
I am in the EXACT Same situaton…sophomore year! So hard to accept!
Hi – it’s nice to have read your reply. I’m unfortunately going through this same thing. My son who has is on Level 3 elite gymnastics this year has decided to quite. His reasons: He’s finding it tough now and it’s not fun anymore.
I did gymnastics when I was young and gymnastics has always been a big part of my life so I’m really struggling to accept his decision. He’s only 11 years old and I fear he will regret this and I don’t want to see him lose all his muscles once he’s stopped gymnastics. But he’s been miserable and upset for a couple of weeks now. We’ve asked him to give it one more try and he looked like he was enjoying it and did everything well during training.. but as soon as he’s finished, he’s back to his sad state again :o(
I’m a man and I’ve been crying over this as I just can’t believe it’s happening to us!
Pat I think you’ve nailed the dilemma for most parents there. It’s not about wanting bad things for or from our kids. But when kids are good at a sport it becomes more than just their thing. Some of the things you’re describing are signs of stress or could be the beginning of depression. Just hang in there alongside your son and focus on the love you have for him. The rest will work itself out.
So dealing with this right now…have a 15 year old that plays travel hockey and high school but he really doesn’t like the high school team and has now disengaged at practice and is not participating as a teammate. Part of me wants to force him to suck it up and play because he needs to learn to deal with people he doesn’t mesh with and learn to be a good teammate regardless. On the other hand why force him and have him be misreable. I really don’t know what to do…
You’re right on the money CB. There’s no right path ahead for you at the moment. I do think kids need to see out a season they made a commitment to, but I also know how discouraging it can be when they’re not feeling part of the team. With your son being 15, it’s definitely time to have some serious chats and push him to make the choice, with all the consequences laid out on the table. Good luck!
I too am going through this. My son will be 15 in January and has played competitive club soccer for the last 5 years. He was the only Freshman who made Varsity and actually got quite a bit of playing time. Once HS season ended he wanted a break and only got 1 week before club soccer started up again. New coach who isn’t as fun as last years and my son is saying he thinks he wants to quit at the end of the season. We are not looking for scholarships and don’t mind the costs but I feel like he’s making a mistake and afraid of what he will be filling his time with.
Thanks for leaving a comment Tonya. It’s always hard to let our kids make their own choices when we don’t agree with them. I try to get my kids to not make decisions in the heat of the moment, or when they’re at a point where it’s all hard work. And focusing on goals so you can remind them of that is helpful too. But at some point our kids will have to live their own lives, so it’s just about when we’re willing to let them do that with all the positives and negatives that come with it.
My son is just entering high school as a freshman this year. He is such a good, naturally talented athlete. He was a lineman in football and never got recognition or affirmation for doing a good job on the line. Some of the coaches had favorites and started not playing my son even though it was very obvious he was the better player. I told him to hang in there. Then, the same thing happened in basketball and track. To top it all off, he went through a few months of bullying that came from his close friends. It was definitely a hard year for him. He now wants to just quit all together. He says there is no brotherhood or team anymore, that its every man for himself. I hate seeing him walk away from sports he had so much potential in. Do I support his decision, or encourage him not to let other peoples actions keep him from playing a sport he once loved? Also, how do I help him through the obvious favortism our encourage him to play in a sport in which we know he will never excel due to favortism.
Sarah
You have a smart kid there Sarah. He obviously can see the social games going on alongside the physical ones. I don’t think you can push him to play a sport where it knocks down his mental health so much. I’d be listening to his reasons, backing him up and then asking him what he’d do instead. Is there something physical he could do without all the politics? Maybe a social competition would work. Some sport is better than no sport, particularly when exercise is good for their mood.
Our daughter is 12 and is a really good pitcher. She is super talented and only been playing for 1 year. She told us she doesn’t want to play anymore for no apparent reason except she inst interested. Do we tell her to continue on and not waste her talent, or let her quit ? She has quit nearly every sport she has done.
Hi JR, sorry for taking so long to get back to you. Just because kids are talented at something doesn’t mean they’re going to love it. I can’t tell you what the right way to go is, but focus on what she wants to do. What she thinks would make life rich. Perhaps that talent isn’t for the sporting field, but a creative one, or one of the newer sports that seem to emerge every day.
Yes…my eight-year old daughter told me she wanted to quit hockey tonight. She said her favorite sport is soccer. We live in a big hockey town. This is her fourth year, and I’m bummed.
Yes my daughter quit hockey for gymnastics. There are just somethings they have to do their own way, aren’t there!
I too am struggling with this as well. Our 17 yr old junior is a talented Volleyball player – who also plays 2 other sports, and due to a bad club experience and drama filled high school season has decided she doesn’t want to play club volleyball (for a new coach and team) anymore after signing a contract with the team and paying the fee. Am struggling with making her keep her commitment which I feel is important as we all have to do things we sometimes don’t like or letting her quit. Thoughts?
I think you’re right to struggle with this Beverly when a contract’s been signed and you’ve paid the money. Our kids need to learn about making commitments and following through, but there’s also the flip side of being able to get out of something if their circumstances change. If she’s 17, I’d be explaining to her the contract and cost and seeing what she thinks would be reasonable from a team-mate’s perspective. I’m often surprised how well kids get it when you take the emotions out of play and look at the reasoning behind things. Good luck!
My son has been in lead roles in plays and musicals for the last 10 years of his life and has always told us that this is something that he is passionate about. However, this year (his senior year) he has decided to not participate in either the play or the musical, He’s saying that he would rather work and save money for college then do these things. His father and I are crushed. We have always loved to watch him perform and are fearing that without this structured activity to fill his time. he will just get lost in a world of hanging with friends and playing video games. I know in my head that I need to let him make these decisions (good or bad) on his own at some point, but it’s my heart that doesn’t understand.
His reasons for giving up aren’t bad ones Jen, so I think you’re right that you should stand behind his decision. I’d just remind him that the reason he gave it up is to work and save for college if it looks like he’s filling that time with video games or too much hanging out. Remind him of the goal he set himself and encourage him for being so mature. Yes it’s hard to watch our kids give up something they’re good at, but it’s also not right for them to keep doing if it’s no longer part of their plans.
Great article and perfect timing. My son is 14 and has played soccer since he was 8. He is on an elite team and seems to have enjoyed it until just this past month. he says the pressure is getting to him and it’s not fun anymore. He just doesn’t want to play anymore. Hoping his high school career isn’t over as well. Problem is, we’ve already paid club fees (a lot) that we can’t get back for the winter/spring season. I hate “making” him finish out this season, but I think it’s only fair to his coach and team. Is it horrible to make him finish something he started already? Thanks!
I’m with you Melinda. If you’ve shelled out all that cash, they’ve got to follow through on the commitment. That’s just letting all your family down if they walk away now.
My son is a 19 year old ice hockey goalie who is giving up the sport/Dream he has had since he was 10 years old.
He is very talented and has had a undefeated season with his college team.
He is so close to moving onto European hockey where he will get paid.
He said he was no longer challenged and wants more out of life. I feel at this point he should not quit due to being so close to success. I don’t know what to do. 😢
I’m no expert on professional sport, but so few kids make it that I think there has to be a huge drive there to push them on towards it. If he has the talent, then maybe his coaches can provide a different perspective to the one he’s clinging to. Or a glimpse of the big time might be enough of an incentive for him to keep striving towards that old goal. I think you’ve just got to focus on what will make him happy in the long run.
If you quit at something it does make you a quitter. So I guess you are going to let the child play Xbox and watch the iPad all day instead of doing activities. Great advice.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Jack. I don’t think stopping something makes you a “quitter”, particularly if it’s something that no longer gives you joy. Childhood and the teenage years is all about working out who you are and where you fit in the world, so if kids can’t try things out and decide they don’t like them, how do they accomplish that goal?
Im 52 and still working things out. As everyone is thru life there is no expiration date on it.
My son is 14 and is a freshman in the middle of his high school basketball season. He has gone from the fourth or fifth best player on his 7th and 8th grade teams to the best player on the freshman team and after the first 6 games was moved up to varsity. He still plays with the freshman but practices and dresses with the varsity. All the sudden he says he doesn’t want to play for the school next year but wants to play in the YMCA league instead. He still loves to play but doesn’t want to put in the work for school ball. His excuse is that school ball is boring. I’m so confused
I’m not surprised Jason. 14 year old boys and their emotions are confusing! When faced with that sort of thing, I usually buy for time. My kids are used to me saying, “That surprises me, I thought you loved this… Is this a new feeling or an old one?” and then we negotiate hanging in there for a few more weeks or to the next competition or end of season to see if the feeling persists.
My son is 15 and a freshman in high school he has played sports since he was 4 years old. He has played AAU travel basketball since he was in the 5th grade. He also played soccer and was a goalie which he was very good at and was ask to come and try out for the travel team but he declined. Which was heart breaking for me. He played football and was the kicker and won 2 competitions for kicking and got to go to Carolina Panthers stadium and compete on their field. He placed 4th. He said he doesn’t like kicking anymore. I felt like and tried to tell him he could get a scholarship just for kicking a football. I spent so much money with these sports with traveling all over and he just wants to quit. Just tonight his dad and I was talking to him about playing AAU because he tryout for a different team and made it but he states he don’t want to play basketball anymore. I feel like he is wasting his talent but after reading all the comments I know I’m not the only parent dealing with a teen that wants to quit. I guess he is burned out with sports. I understand now that I need to think about how he feels and not how I feel since he is the one playing. Please let me know what u guys think.
Hi Sharon, sorry I haven’t replied to your message earlier. My mum passed away and I’ve been having a break. But you’re so right! We can’t see the money we’ve spent on their sport wasted if they walk away from it. Think of all the skills they’ve learned about getting on with others, and getting along in the world that they’ve learned along the way. Think of all the fabulous memories they’ve made too. It’s not a waste of talent if it’s something that doesn’t bring them joy. Everyone needs to create a life that feels worthwhile and satisfying, not pleasing to others. But it’s not easy to be the parent on the sidelines as they do that.
Great article. More of a support group! Here is an odd wrinkle that is killing me. My son is in 7th grade and is very into art (my wife has a fine arts degree) and goes regularly to an art school for classes outside of school. He also takes drum lessons and despite not being crazy about it, is pretty good, especially on the academic level, not really rock and roll and is prominent in the school band and music honor society. But i know he does it because it’s the “easiest” instrument and as a musician myself, I just insist he play AN instrument, any one. For the last semester of 7th grade the school makes them CHOOSE between art OR music. I know he prefers art and fears he’d be letting me down if he quits drums and it irks me the school is essentially helping him quit. On the other hand, he hates it and it’s expensive. He doesn’t practice and less talented friends (with better parents, lol) continue to take lessons and practice and are passing him by. The competition of parents and their kid’s bushel basket of activities at 12 is exhausting and annoying. My son is more talented than they are, but impossible to get to apply himself. All of the fears above (“what will they fill/waste the time with”; “all that money/talent wasted”, the adult “regrets” at the things we quit, etc) are so apt and well stated. My son is small for his age and though talented gets overlooked by sport coaches and does not have the drive to go the extra mile it would take to achieve there. He was ahead of himself in karate and MMA at 8-11 and abruptly quit that (my regret for letting him). He now says “he’s a pacifist!” lmfao! This is the craftiness I’m dealing with. Ahh well, thanks for the comments and letting me vent. Onward and upward. It’s his life. I’ll just try to be supportive. peace
Thanks Mick. If he loves art, perhaps you can see that as his special creative expression, parallel to your love of music… Just because kids are good at something doesn’t mean they want to be defined by it. You may find it returns to music on his own terms later on, but in a way that isn’t so formal that it fits into a school band. Maybe music composition, electronica, some grungy garage band…. The world looks like it’s his oyster!
Good grief this is a Godincidence! Thank you for all your words especially that one isn’t a bad parent if a child decides to leave a sport or not at the same capacity as before. My son has been competitively swimming for 11 years and I am just undone that he won’t be swimming in college. I am scared that he will become lazy and overweight. He has expressed wanting to learn tennis and do other things such as hiking and water polo and well concentrate more on his schoolwork too as he is always tired and a senior. Gosh, he is good at it too and it is so difficult when you see his team mates swimming in college and yours is not. I have been so upset….I feel so guilty for not inspiring him more..
Don’t feel guilty Aracelis. Having your son move to college is a big change for all of you, and in some ways involves a mourning of your boy as he becomes a man. I have one starting college this week and know exactly how you feel! Your son sounds wonderful and I think he’ll find his own pathway that will make you even prouder!
Thank you Rachel for sharing your thoughts at a time when I need strength. My son is 13 now and has played organized basketball on and off since he was 6 years old. We move a lot so I have seen his decisions change based on his circumstances. For instance by not having many friends when starting the sport and sometimes none of his friends are playing or it’s a coach he never met. I have seen his skills, potential, commitments, and accomplishments. He didn’t want to play this year at a new school but I encouraged a 2 week trial. He has given me good ways that he will fill his time. This morning he said that he quit. I was furious but after some reflection, I realized it is because I am sad he is growing up and I will miss seeing him play. We just have to keep in mind that tomorrow is never promised so enjoy every moment. This opens opportunities for him to shine in other things as he explores who he is or wants to be. When I force him to do things he doesn’t like, it turns into rebellion.
So true April. We just never know what amazing things our kids will do when they’re given some creative room. And as you say, each day is precious!
Thanks again Rachel. The other side of my story is my 11 year old girl. She played soccer once on a youth team when her dad and I volunteered as a coach. She is at a new school now that finally offers soccer and she begged me to play. After the first few practices, she said she didn’t like it and wanted to quit. She said she didn’t like playing in the freezing cold rain. Then she hurt her ankle at practice. We gave her another week to try it out and then she heard her brother say he quit basketball. Suddenly her ankle was back to being hurt and so was the other ankle. I agree she needs to invest her time in the drama club. We didn’t have time to discuss the matter so after practice today we will figure out what new goals she will set. You are awesome for being a good open channel for parents.
Thanks April! And I think you guys are on the right track.
My daughter is the most beautiful, promising, and strong ballerina. 2017 has been hell for both of us. My heart believes that she should continue to pursue ballet. She’s studied with the top school at the city ballet. She broke away to join a rigorous private trainer for world opportunity then she missed her ballet friends and decided she hated ballet and quit for the second time. Now she’s having regrets and I just don’t trust her. It’s a travesty to see a person throw it away. It takes the right circumstances to all align in order to produce the world’s best at anything. She had it and threw it away. I know in my gut she’s meant to and now she feels it. I just don’t know and I’m hurt for losing such a beautiful dancer because I’m afraid now. She watched the Simone Biles movie and we both looked at each other as we realized it’s exactly been her dilemma. I don’t know.
Thanks!
No worries Etti. I do think that there are no clearly right or wrong answers in this. Every child has to work out their own path in this life and there will always be some speedbumps and odd twists and turns along the way.
My 15 yr. old son is playing year round travel soccer for 3 years and just finished his first season of High school soccer. He says that he keeps changing his mind back & forth whether he wants to play or not. He is very confused…how can I help him make this decision on his own.
Hi Heather, it’s hard to walk that line between encouraging them not to quit at the wrong time and letting them make their own decisions isn’t it! I think you just have to help him see that making a decision in the heat of the moment rarely works out well. I sometimes get my kids to draw up the pluses and minuses of a decision and then look at things a bit more objectively. But sometimes even having a week or two off, or cutting back on an afternoon of training can give them a practice run of what life would be like without their sport. Good luck!
Our daughter quit her AAU Volleyball team just before the state meet last year. They were a small team with no extra players. Her quitting kept the rest of the team out of the tournament because they were one player short. My wife and I took a lot of flack from the other parents over all this. Fast forward to this year and our daughter is back playing with the same team with the State Meet a month away.
That’s a brave stance for you and your wife to make Jeremy. I think I’d push my kids to honour their commitment to their team in the same circumstance, but every child is different, and for some kids pushing on would be detrimental to their overall wellbeing. I’m glad she’s back this year. Good luck for the State Meet!
My husband comes from a family of athletes and has always encouraged our sons to play some type of organized sports. My 12, almost 13, year old who has played lacrosse for the last 4 years but has recently become disinterested. He plays goalie and does not even attempt to stop the ball but it is the only position he says he will play. I have suggested he move into another role but my husband insists that he play that position. When I ask my son what he wants he says he wants to quit and just play video games. I explain to him that he will have to find some other way to stay active and playing video games is not the answer. My husband, who is responsible for organizing the team, is furious with our son and his lack of motivation to even attempt to try. I am frustrated with my husband’s response as well as my son’s. I feel my son needs to stay active in an organized sport, whatever it may be, but everything we have put him in (baseball, soccer, lacrosse and golf) he “hates” and gives us grief about participating. I tell him I will put him in anything he wants to play and he says he only wants to play video games and does not want to participate in any sport. How do we approach this in a way that everyone will find some peace?
Hi Angela, I think you have to take a professional approach to this given your family situation. I’d take him to see a sports psychologist to give him an outlet to think through his thinking and put together what he wants so he can talk about it confidently with you and your husband. I’ve got an enthusiastic gamer and I have always maintained that that’s a mental sport and that his body needs a physical outlet too. For my son, I didn’t quibble what sport he did, just that he did one. Gaming is a team activity usually, so he might be interested in an individual sport like cross country, track and field or swimming.
Angela perhaps you are putting so much pressure on your son? And the fact that you say you are a family of athletes is even more pressure for him like he has the responsibility to be an athlete himself? Let him play video games for a while, I wouldn’t force him to do something he thinks he hates because that would make him hate it even more and not only sports but also his parents for making him do something he doesn’t want to do at the time. Give him time!!
So glad i came across this article. My daughter 15 is a Volleyball player and is very talented at it. She plays for her high school and club ball. The problem is she Loves band as well and in order to be in the band she would need to give up Volleyball!! I feel this crazy but in order to do both it would mean missing several practices and the coach and band director won’t allow them to miss that much. She is so torn and i am as well! I too have invested a lot into her Volleyball and would hate for her to give up possibilities of a scholarship and to play at a collegiate level. I also know she has a strong love for band and wants to Play!
Oh it’s so tough when they reach the point where they have to choose! I think that’s what life is about though isn’t it. We have to make choices between two good things (or two awful things) all the time. I’m sure she’ll work it out with your support.
I googled this topic since I’m confused about what to do about my 15 year old daughter wanting to quit ballet after 12 great years ! I was almost sure the google answers would be along the lines of – encouragement to not quit, to persevere, face your challenges, hardships make you stronger type of thing but As i read this article, my mind was changed. I think I have been underestimating her feelings and sincerity. It does resonate now that it’s pointless to try constantly ignite the flame if it’s gone out. Thanks.. I found this helpful.
Thanks Cher!
My daughter is 16 and in her 6th year of club volleyball. This has been a very rough season and her grades and other aspects of life have been slipping due to her complete misery of the sport. I shouldn’t say she hates the sport itself but she is absolutely burned out by all the time spent working at it. I refuse to let her future suffer because of the sport so we have allowed her to make the decision to resign. It has just happened and it was by far the toughest decision she has had to make. She didn’t want to disappoint us or her coaches or her team but she also knew she was being more unfair to everyone because she could not give the 110% needed from her to contribute to the team. She in her mind is pulling them down and that hurt her even more. I will miss watching her play something she was so amazing at but I will enjoy watching her grow and to see what life has in store for her next. It is all one big adventure and I would rather ride along with her than hold her back to be what we in our minds thought she should be!
Great thinking Gina. We have to be their loudest cheerleader when they make decisions like this. Their mental health is number one…
What is your perspective on requiring a high school freshman (son) to go out for _some_ team sport. Our son was a very talented baseball player from 7-13 but has no interest in baseball (husband still processin that one). It was timed with falling in love with skateboarding. We feel he should be required to do some organized sport in high school when he starts in the fall, ideally through the high school, primarily to stay engaged in the school community and stay out of trouble. He sees it as time away from skateboardin. One of the issues with skateboarding is that he gets injured (as in broken bones) a lot. I am also worried about college applications and the lack of a sport (he is not enthusiastic about music, theater, or anything else tht I can see at this point).
Hi Jill, I don’t know about college applications, but with the rise of skateboarding as an olympic sport, is that not a sport he could focus on more? Watching the winter olympics, I think snowboarding are sports with lots of elite potentials in the coming years. My kids have gone to schools where they have to do a couple of extra-curricular activities, so they usually do one sport. I’d have a talk to him about the need to do a couple of things to keep his college options open and look for things that could give him some cross-training for his skateboarding, or not get in the way of it. The more you take his interests seriously, probably the more likely he is to take your ideas seriously too.
I have a son that was diagnosed with autism at 5. We did early intravention and worked with him as best as we could even trying different sports to encourage social engagement and development. He preferred the solo sports like Bowling,Skiing,& Golfing. We wanted to get him out of the house more and away from video games. He is currently high functioning and has developed well. I know there is no cure for autism but we have gotten him to a high functioning level where his issues are more advanced social issues and frustration with some academics. He has been bowling since he was 7 and he is not improving his game for over 3 years. He has plateaued and gotten worse at his bowling game. The other league players are scoring 160 and up and he has been struggling with breaking 100 and he has had a 137 average in the past. He can curve the ball but he has become lazy about his form and inconsistent. He gets angry when we try to coach him. We have paid for a few refresher lessons but he goes back to his way eventually. I believe that he’s checked out and doesn’t care. He is acting like a 17 year old that does what he wants to do and does not care. He no longer wants to ski with the special Olympics because he does not want to associate himself with being special. He does not want to Golf anymore because his game has not improved. He no longer listens to advice or direction and makes the same mistakes over and over and over without relenting. I feel like I’m wasting my money on a bowling league and he gets down and angry at himself every week. I feel like just taking him out of this league and either play with him in a family league or just play once a week for fun and no competition. We are currently in a family bowling league and we are in last place but we joined mid season. I feel like he enjoyed the family league more because there is less pressure. His game is slightly better as well. He at least breaks 100 when we play family league. He has gone from 137 to a 98 average. He curves the ball but it spins in the wrong direction, he never follows thru, and he always bends his elbow to a 60 degree angle and it looks like he throws/pushes the ball and it either curves too much to the left and gutter or the spin makes it curve to the right and gutter.
Hi Thomas, I’m not sure how old your son is. Is he 17? If so, he sounds like a 17 year old working out what he wants to do. It sounds like you’re leaning towards the family league as a way to keep him socially and physically active. I think you have to let go of all the stats and focus on his joy. His issues with the special olympics don’t surprise me, as teenagers are working out where they fit in the world and how they identify themselves. It sounds like he needs time to work it all out and plenty of love. Hang in there!
At what age do you stop making the decision for them? Obviously, the younger they are, you make the decision. Often kids will want to quite when things start getting difficult. When kids try out a new sport, they improve quickly and they enjoy it because of that, partly. However, all kids reach a point in a sport or extra curricular when they stop improving as quickly, and things begin to get harder. How do you know if this is the time to to get over the hump, or they really should quit? You hear a lot of stories from professional athletes talking about how they would have regretted the decision to quit early on, and they are glad their parents pushed them to keep going. Also, you hear a lot of stories about adults regretting quitting something and wish their parents had pushed them to stay in. On the flip side, there are stories about parents pushing and the kids end up hating the sport, and sometimes the parents for it.
Hi Mike, I’m not sure there’s a right answer here. I think you just have to focus on the relationship you have with your child and see sport as one aspect of their life. What if they go to college and want to quit? Can you live with that? I’ve found three things work for me when my kids want to stop doing something:
1. Never make that decision in the heat of the moment – they need to be feeling good about themselves and in a position to make a rational rather than emotional decision
2. Weigh up the consequences of continuing or not – ask them if they’d be happy with the alternative, look at all the plusses and negatives of quitting, what they’d do with that extra time and whether they’d feel good about themselves if they weren’t part of that team
3. Never let the team down – our kids need to learn that there’s a right and a wrong time to leave things, and they should never go out in a way that disadvantages people who’ve journeyed alongside them
If you can talk about those things with them, you’ll find they mostly make a decision they can live with, even if you find it hard.
My 16 year old son has decided that he is no longer playing HS football. His twin brother plays and this has been our life for years. He really wasn’t great at the sport, but with practice I thought he would get better.
The problem is he has NO other interests. No instruments, no hobbies, no clubs- just listening to rap music and playing video games. I feel like we wasted so many years on football and now it is too late to find something else bc he is very much disinterested in everything. How do I help my child? I’m so sad and stressed.
Hi Jackie, it sounds like you’ve done a lot to help him already, so don’t beat yourself up! My older kids have been like this and it’s just been about helping them see the possibilities. Joining a gym seems popular with that age group here, and then getting into park runs or 10km runs can be the next step up. I think a lot of kids who lose interest in a team sport find one that’s more individual to their liking and vice versa.
I am going through something similar. My 15 year old son has been rowing for 3 years. He is good but not great and does not do what it takes to get to the next level. The last 3 regattas he went to he did not medal as he was in the #2 boat – the #1 boat medals every time. It has been over 3 weeks since the last regatta and he has gone to practice only once. He says he has not quit and is very adamant that he did not quit. Me and my wife do not know what to do. Should we let him keep going like this? Should we tell the coach he quit. Should we force him to tell the coach he quit.
Without knowing your son, it’s hard to say… But at 15, he should have a good idea of what he wants and doesn’t want to do. If he’s saying he hasn’t quit, my gut feeling is to go along with that. Some kids take a while to come to terms with leaving a sport and not feeling like they’ve failed at something. “Quit” is such a negative word. He might just be looking for a dignified way to finish up.
Hi I am Summer, and I am in eight grade about to go into high school this year. I have been playing soccer since I was a child. Last season I was getting tired of playing soccer ( at this time my mom signed me up for middle school and travel soccer to keep me doing something ). I tried telling her after my last season as a middle schooler. But she says you need to do something. But I have barely have time to hangout with friends or just stay home and relax for a day. Every time I ask her she says the same thing and I end up crying alone with no one to talk to. She said I can give up travel soccer and she let me so I am halfway there to being free. But she says if I give up soccer completely I won’t be able to use any technology ( not even tv). And ask she keeps on saying “ but your great at soccer” which doesn’t change anything for me. I tried telling her there is more to do with my life than sports but she won’t listen. I am sending her this link on messages to hopefully read it since she won’t listen to me. I want to say thank you to you. Because if my mom rejecting me every time I feel like I’m crazy or I’m not normal or I’m worthless. Since I read this it made me have hope of doing what I want to do. Wish me luck, Summer
Hi Summer, I think you and your mum need to have a good talk about being active and what you’d like to do instead of soccer. Sometimes the hardest thing for kids and their parents is to accept that they’re really good at something but they don’t love it anymore. I know that’s been a tricky thing with my daughter. We still have lots of people telling her what she can do with her talent and how she’s wasting it. It’s just a matter of finding a balance in life that feels good for you and keeps you healthy. Ask mum to have a talk about it and see if you can come up with a plan together.
Going through this with my 13 yr old boy who has played baseball since he was 5. He made the 7th grade middle school team this year and is an average player. His coach has been using negativity as a motivator and it has only pushed him further away from the sport. The season is over and he normally practices throughout the rest of the year to prepare him for the next year but now he says he doesn’t want to play next year. I hate to see him quit the sport that he once loved and is good at just because this one coach beat his confidence down so badly. Any suggestions? He has no interest in any other physical activities or school activities and I will not allow him to only play video games all the time with no other interests.
I think it’s good to encourage kids to try another team or sport if they’re not liking the one they’re in. You’re doing the right thing finishing the season though. I think we have to be a bit creative in helping our kids see what options there are for being active. They might like one of the newer sports that we might not think count but still keep their bodies healthy. I’d ask what his friends do that he might like to participate in too…
My boy is 15 and a semi elite football (soccer) player. He has always been amazing with the ball and from the age of 5 would say he would be a pro. In 2016 he was captain of his in his lower ranking team and suffer a 2 injuries (breaks) 4 months apart. It took him a while but he came back from each one. He was then asked to transfer to a higher team which he did in 2017. It took him a while to settle and was constantly feeling pressure to perform in a higher team with established players. He was retained and so excited starting the 2018 season, you couldnt keep him of the field- until first trial match- smashed nose and concussion. He didn’t miss a training session even turning up to training the afternoon after his surgery, and was in field 3 weeks later. BUT since then he has changed, there is pressure for him to be like he was and he’s not there yet and he is not finding support from his coaches. He has been benched which instead of making him hungrier has made him self conscious and full of doubt. Then I heard a rumour that the coaches are thinking of dropping him. Now he doesn’t want to play as he thinks that he is longer valued and wants to give up. I’m the meantime an offer to play overseas has been offered which we have to turn down in light of the situation. I am DEVASTAED for him, how could his dream die in a matter of 2 months? i can’t handle the devastation and self doubt in his eyes and can’t imagine how he will be if he gets dropped… I’m at loss and borderline depressed and I’m supposed to be the strong one to help him…
It’s definitely hard to watch your kids’ dreams go up in smoke. I think we just have to try and keep the bigger picture in mind. Although this is a horrible time for you all, he’s an amazing kid who is going to have a fabulous life, with or without playing football. If only we could smooth out all the hard bits of life for our kids, but ultimately, this is part of growing up, isn’t it!
Great discussion.
I’m struggling with my 5 year old who has loved and excelled at figure skating since she was 2. Since starting school she has gone off skating, as she says she’s too tired. She’s erratic, one day refusing to skate for her coach, the next crying that she’s not been entered in a competition, which the week before she didn’t want to do.
This has coincided with not moving up a skating level for the first time due to the skills just getting harder, and consequently coming to believe she’s bad at skating, as well as having to skate with kids much older than her as she’s quite advanced.
I’m trying to get my head around the possibility of her not skating anymore and and to keep some perspective on what feels like a grieving process for me. She used to love it so much and the change has been so rapid. I’m trying the double act of cutting back her practice to let her rest more as well as continuing some lessons, with a new coach, so that she can master the skills that are frustrating her and hopefully get her confidence back.
Grali, at 5, she’s got a lot of time to try different sports. Some kids might be good at things but not want to chase them. There comes a time where you have to let them be a kid and not think about the big picture quite so much. If she’s really good at skating, then maybe trying another sport for a while might develop different muscles and skills that could pay off later on.
My son is in 9th grade and has been doing cross country and track since 7th grade. He is great at it! He really makes running look easy. The problem is, every time it comes to signing up he states that he hates both sports and doesn’t want to do them. We ask what else he would like to do because we want him to exercise and socialize. He comes back with nothing. He doesn’t want to have to practice everyday after school. He just wants to come home. We encouraged him to do them because it’s good for his mental health, and it helps him socialize. The problem is, he doesn’t want to do anything else. He just wants to be at home where he isolates himself. He has no friends outside of school. No texting, no phone calls, no playing around the neighborhood. Him doing these sports is the only way he stays active. The thing is, once he starts the sport he is fine! He goes to practice, laughs, and is included with a group of good kids. He just gets so worked up about signing up. Now he is telling everyone that we are making him so sports he hates. I am so afraid of what will happen if he doesn’t do them. But I promise my intentions are good and are for him not me. I just feel like a horrible parent. I’m really struggling. He sees a counselor in school and outside of school and both agree. They have seen him through these sports and see how it helps him. They have told him but he is stubborn and doesn’t want to hear it. I need to add that he has no hobbies or other interests, besides loving and collecting Mickey Mouse. He is also on the spectrum. Please tell me what your opinions. If I don’t have him sign up for XC, then all hope is lost for the rest. I know him. We have told him he is doing it and that ‘s where we are at right now.
Hi DD, I think you’re in a tricky place. We know that exercise is really important for good mental health. Some kids will not do any exercise and will withdraw socially if they don’t do formally organised sports, so I think you’re on the right track. As a parent, I just try to offer as much choice as possible, so if he doesn’t want to do running, perhaps you could say, doing a sport isn’t negotiable for all the reasons you’ve said, but he can have a say what sport that is. I think it’s just about having the conversation. Don’t beat yourself up, you’re on the right track and as you say, you’re doing it for good reasons!
Hey Rachel ,I’m 16 and I’ve switched between football my freshman yearyear, XC my sophomore yearyear, and my junior year back to football. This next season my parents want me to do football because it’s my senior year. But I’ve found football no longer fun due to negative teammates and not having the drive I did in years past. How do I convince my parents to let me go back to XC ,the sport I actually love?
Hi Tyler, I think you need to sit your parents down and listen to why they want you to do senior this year. Then ask if you can share why you want to do cross country. If they’re not willing to listen, then ask an adult to act as mediator – a family friend, relative or teacher could work. Part of the solution to this is being willing to listen to each other’s perspective and weigh up the options. No option is likely to be perfect though… Good luck!